I have a terrible love-hate relationship with food. It makes or breaks me.
My happiness quotient varies with food. I enjoy eating and die a thousand deaths thinking about all I ate!
Sometimes I don't even enjoy whatever I am eating...I eat as if I am possessed , in a frenzy...just gobble up and chew( barely) and swallow before anybody comes in the room.
Though I enjoy cooking I don’t consider it related to food (a paradox- obviously!)...it is actually creativity! Food is when I open my mouth and move my hand at the same time!
But I have realized that food is the centre of my universe…it is connected to my sense of well-being…When I eat something delicious, I feel happy ( at least for first few bites !)When I eat something I consider as healthy, there are two alternate emotions…if I have developed a taste for it, then, yes…it’s a fun-time snacking…totally guilt free! But if I have not, then I am a martyr….a song plays at the back of my mind…you are a noble girl…you deserve much better (a snack…what else !)…and then , when I slip up , as I often do,I again go on a mindless eating spree…as a reward for my martyrdom!
But one thing is for sure…when I eat healthy, I am happy…and that’s because I feel I am taking one of the thousand steps towards my goal of weight loss( my resolution for last..ahem…twenty years!)
When I don’t follow it, there are often physical repercussions and mental consequences – guilt, a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failure…all converge onto me. I am worthless anyway, why not gobble up that extra piece of chocolate ..I become extremely selfish , too !
When I go on a diet,all I think of is food- and I feel overwhelmed- oh God ! ..too much weight to lose ! Too much efforts ! …I don’t want to do it…
Let me tell you frankly, I have no answers that have worked…I still cannot handle this monster called food. But I have not given up…..still exploring my relationship with food…..
Indeed a journey of a thousand steps starts with the first step…may be a food diary…or a day of conscious eating….keeping up the promises made to yourself increases your self esteem and that’s what I need to do….
Things are actually pretty simple…drinking a lot of water, avoiding sugar,fried items and refined flour…
But unless you pay a hefty sum of money to a dietician or a gym , you don’t feel you are making any sincere efforts….sad, isn’t it ?
But I feel.... time is changing…and so will I....I won't give up ....a new journey begins !!