I have been training in Hindustani classical vocal for last 6 years. Let me confess without modesty that my voice is good and I sing well (that is film songs , not classical ) but that's it ! I am no closer to understanding music than I was 6 years back.
My teacher has been urging me to give these Gandharva Mahavidyalaya exams , but I don't want to. One reason is my exam phobia , and the other is this feeling that I am an imposter.
I am learning music with my left, logical brain. She teaches a song , a bandish , a raag aaroh-avroh-pakad and I learn it as a challenge….a new thing to be learnt. My right brain does not participate in this process and I don't see the whole raag as a complete picture.
Perhaps I don't have the musical intelligence.
This was written 2 years back. Since then ,the update is that ,I have stopped learning altogether. I have also stopped bathroom singing and listening to music. I have started feeling that music has left me...I have no real interest left in learning or listening to music, singing is strenuous and listening to songs does not give me any joy. Does this reflect my inner depression or it is just that my attention is taken up by myriad of other things, such as whatsapp and youtube which are much easier as they are passive and provide a highly satisfying diversion to any activity which needs active participation and engagement ? Am I running away from things ? I will probably regret this in my after-life or even at the end of my life : I did not use my God-given gifts, I simply chose to ignore them and prefer time-wasting passive diversions.
But I do not want give up hope ...one day the whole picture would be revealed to my inner eye or rather ear. Till then , I must preserve my voice...