Snowy's head massage

I am taking a walk on a new road,looking for shops selling milk.

There ,a small shop, a chair outside the shop and a young girl sitting on it. 

There was her dog sitting at her feet. She was petting his head and the dog was smiling !! I actually saw him smiling !

I crossed the road.

One litre milk please

The lady sitting inside the shop, presumably, mom of our dog’s mom : 

- Shona, please give them the milk.

-No, I don't want to , I will not and you can't make me.

-Aray Shona, can't you see I have oil on my hands ? I am oiling my hair ! 

( Sitting in the shop on the road !! There was nail polish to behind her. Presumably the next step would be a manicure for the lady !)

-And I am giving a head massage to Snowy ! ( That's why Snowy was smiling ectastically ! Btw Snowy had lovely eyes. He tried to befriend me by smelling me.)

Finally the lady got up , and reached past the person who was sleeping on the floor ( I could see two sturdy legs) and got me the milk.

My conclusion : these people have been thrown out of their house so they sleep , head-massage , and play with their dog in their shop !!

Peepal tree

There is a lot of construction happening in the city. Buildings, bridges, pavements. Obviously progress needs sacrifices ,especially of the old trees which are perhaps more than 60 yr old. The trees don't have a voice and not do the citizens staying around them.

Some of these trees take revenge by immediately sprouting new leaves within a week or two. Some take it in a slightly unpredictable way.

New metro construction is going on vigorously around my hospital. Along the way , especially around the entry and exit gates,stood two old peepal trees. These were cut to accommodate new metro station coming up at the hospital gates. 

Now stories have begun circulating.

A ward boy walking around the in- gate saw the whole ,uncut trees where the original tree stood. And something more. A person sitting on the tree. Dangling their legs. Smiling.

People say the hospital has been standing here for many years. Not all people who were treated here had a peaceful,happy resolution. There are bound to be some stories.

One such story was about our old laboratory. People going to the washroom heard a lady crying. Male persons on duty felt something brushing against them at night. That something was named “Bhishma” by our staff. Eventually all people on night duty learnt to hold their bladder between 2 am and 6 am , when the lady was most active.

No way to confirm or refute the story of peepal tree. The ward boy who apparently saw this fell sick, left the job and left the city. People have started using the out-gate at night.

Perhaps when the metro starts running , it may have these special travelers. We should wait for those stories.

04.05.25

All in a day's work !

Today's story

Got a call when I was in department in hospital.
Connection was poor , couldn't listen properly .
"What? Can't hear you ? Can you come out and speak where you would get a network ?"
She came out of the room probably. I heard " PGDJR1"
"We have code;for this test PDGFR , platelet derived growth factor " I told her.
" No, No ... I am saying that I am PGDJR1 , post graduate diploma junior resident 1 ! " 

Orbital : reading experience of a plotless book !

This is the second book of this author that I have tried and I have managed to finish the other book, The western wind , albeit painfully ! It was excruciatingly slow and I don't think I understood it fully.

Frankly speaking ,I am not sure if I like the book or not. My thoughts went through different phrases while I was reading this book ...

My thoughts at the beginning : there is no plot and I do not understand the point of of the book but it is well written and the prose is enjoyable to read . The stream of consciousness writing feels like my own thoughts.

Middle: perhaps she is deliberately writing that way to make us feel that we are trapped in space , in limbo , going nowhere, following a routine set by somebody else , confined to a smallish space, no solitude ,no relaxation and no sleep ..not even good food.

End :do I care about these people ? Not really ! How much of a same routine and same thoughts can a reader take , even when the prose is good ?

But I managed to finish it ( because it was short) ,though at present I do not have any positive thoughts about it.( I felt like I was chewing the same gum for 6 hrs straight!) I do not remember any characters except the Japanese one,( she had a good story!)
I liked some parts of the book eg about the fisherman , the mice experiment ,the medical effects on the body due to lack of gravity. ( I kept on thinking about Sunita Williams , her muscles including cardiac muscles atrophing with lack of gravity.)

Final thoughts :

Humans love stories. And humans love telling other people about their thoughts , without thinking if they are enjoying these thoughts or not.Tell me a good story , I don't care what a bunch of astronauts are thinking up there !! 

Lata

I will always think of you as Lata and not as Lataji or Lata didi as I call you in public. I never call God or my mother by any honorific , so why would I do that to you ?...you are that close to my heart. You are and you always will be. 

I tell myself that 92 is a good age to pass away and Lata has given her best to the world , the best and not so best to in later years , but that statement doesn't reach from my brain to my heart , It doesn't stop the flow of tears that started the moment I heard the news. The world without Lata in it will not be the same.

It would not be an exaggeration if I say that I have lived my life through Lata's songs. There was a time in school where I did not know many songs and to discover an unheard song of Lata would be like discovering a treasure. This was before youtube and internet days. I would read periodicals where there would be articles on Hindi film music , write down the lists of songs and then give them to a shop which would make cassettes as per order. And there would be radio programmes on Vividh Bharti . My cassettes were my treasure which unfortunately started becoming outdated during the late nineties . But then I discovered pirated mp3s which were for sale for Rs.20 each outside railway stations. I discovered so many old songs through those mp3s ! Mp3s didn't stay with us even for a decade when the internet revolutionized the world of entertainment and music. Now everything is available at your fingertip.

As I started singing ,I started to understand more about Lata's songs. How much effort I need to take a murki and she does it so easily... How she glides through high notes where it feels like I will die with sheer effort….How she sings without taking breaths and I struggle….The softness and the various expressions she brings in her singing without batting an eyelid...and I can not even achieve 1% of it… That is talent by God's grace and her monumental riyaaz too. Lata is Lata ( always present tense ,her music will be with me forever.) .There will never be anyone like her ever .

Dopamine Nation

DOPAMINE NATION : My takeaway !

Each book teaches me something. Sometimes directly , sometimes indirectly. The books that I read do not act on a blank slate..my mind has several years of ( & several  books)  worth thoughts. I do not always know where one stream of thought ends and another begins. Even this writeup has lots of sprinkling of thoughts from other books that I have read before, plus some other books that the editing Maya has read after this book. 

Truth :  Pleasure & pain balance - Body craves for equilibrium.Any pleasure ( dopamine high) will be followed by equal dopamine low( depressed feeling) so that body can attain equilibrium.

That means when I thought I was depressed I was really suffering from.a dopamine low. That's happy news !! 

Truth : We have made our lives easy by inventing gadgets ,but we don't know what to do with the free time they create for us.We use that time to indulge in easy passive, pleasure generating activities ( surfing ,socials , binge watching ,easy reading) which give us easy dopamine high,which ultimately leads to a dopamine dip,sadness,depression,low feeling.

NOW I UNDERSTAND THE BHAGAVAD GITA SAYING :  Neither very happy in good times nor too sad in bad times. Equanimity ! Or the Buddha Way : The middle way ..

Also remembered one marathi book which said tears are necessary,they increase the sweetness of happy experiences…just like how most sweets need a pinch of salt..juxtaposition of good n bad , happy n sad is necessary to experience the true taste of life ! 

An interesting thought is that addicts are modern day prophets who show us what we all can be(how bad ).. And also what we can achieve if we just take effort and receive timely guidance , there is always hope and redemption if we put in the effort …

Truth : It is uncomfortable to stay with our thoughts,so we try to fill all our time with activities…

Like I continuously play some music or video in the background which decreases my efficiency but gets me out of thinking about my loneliness ,negative feelings , workplace issues ,my shortcomings, mistakes and what I should be actually doing. We must learn to stay with our discomfort.Discomforting thoughts could be things under control where some action can be taken. Or they can be feelings which need to be experienced… like boredom,grief,sadness. Or they can be just anxiety or fear thoughts which do not serve any purpose and these are outside our control zone but we still need to notice and identify them.

Instead , spend time with your thoughts.Become familiar with yourself.All the devices and distractions to avoid oneself contribute to depression.Allow yourself to get bored. Boring is also terrifying,it forces us to consider bigger questions of meaning and purpose.It leads to discovery and invention, a space to new thoughts without which we are constantly reacting to stimuli around us.

Difficult choices now ,easy life later and vice versa.

Truth : It is never like we imagine,neither the pleasure nor the pain..it is always less..Anticipation is more intense than actual thing.

Truth : The reason we are miserable is because we are working so hard to avoid being miserable.

We want rewards too easily without working for it.

Why do we need to be happy or pleased all the time ? Iisn't that unrealistic ? Why not accept your true nature ? It is totally fine not to be on cloud 9 all the time. (May be when I sit with my thoughts in silence, I will realize this. I wouldn’t suffocate my true nature. I would learn to make peace with slightly low feelings instead of fueling my addiction induced dopamine spikes and then crashing down into low feelings.)

We have over-sanitized life for kids and us too.Too much smoothening of obstacles and needing low efforts to get anything.

 Some degree of pain is healthy.. expectations of a pain-free world has caused addictions.There is a cost to wishing away every type of pain and discomfort.

We constantly run away from the pain , the present moment, we get distracted deliberately.

Pain : Cold water showers ? Exposure to pain to reset the balance/enhance the pleasure ? Intermittent fasting ?

We need to separate wants from needs.

Why do we want to own so many things ? Why do we want to have so many kinds of varied experiences ? Why do we need to do so many things( - hobbies )? Why can't we just limit ourselves to one great hobby which we love , one thing to learn , fewer books to read ,fewer /no shows to watch, fewer choices( clothes, cosmetics, jewelry, food ) in  anything that we own ? Why is there FOMO ? What are we afraid of ? Missing any of these varieties isn't going to kill us. We are now slaves to the variety. Why do we need so much variety in every kind of thing and experience? 

DOPAMINE :

D- data about your addiction-details

O - objectives ..why do u use the substance

P-Problems

A-absteinance form the use-4 weeks recommended for dopamine pathway reset.Withdrawal symptoms for first 2 wks.Dangers of cross addiction..not to replace one substance with another

M-mindfulness.During the withdrawal observe yourself.Stop running away from your thoughts and observe them.Live with them,tolerate them and learn.

I-insight about addiction.About your behavioral patterns around the addiction.

N-Next Steps,goals.You may learn to use it better

E-Experiment.Pleasure Pain Balance,

Abstinence from reading /socials involves just being with yourself. The idea may appeal theoretically but it is difficult to put into practise.It is scary even for a solitude loving person like myself to sit still doing nothing. Today I am at the still-in-the-process-of-making new laboratory and I find it difficult. I have been looking forward to it since morning. I thought I would sit there ,read academics, write this essay but now I find myself with many uncomfortable thoughts. One of these is  ‘what if anybody says “ why aren’t you working during your working hours.”’

Self binding : keeping a distance between objects of addiction and self,before you start to feel the power.

Willpower is like a muscle…it will develop over time but it gets fatigued if you have to use it more and more..it needs a break to be functional again…hence binding is necessary.

First acknowledge that you are powerless (and also surrender to the higher power).

Barriers: 

Physical - space/distance

Chronological-time

Category

Understanding the process brings your behavior into your awareness,you may still repeat your patterns( and you need to forgive yourself for it) but at least you do not do it unconsciously, and there is a possibility that you will do better next time.

Temptations may be in easy availability - eg Nykaa/Amazon Sales( delete the app ! & If you splurge ,do it deliberately telling yourself I realize that I am giving in to my addiction but doing it anyway,This may help next time.) , chocolates received as gifts ( I gave it away but still ate a few more than I was allowed to as a diabetic)

Also binding may happen incidentally e.g. my beauty parlor moving away.( Though I am not addicted to beauty therapies ,I do use it to numb my negative feelings.)

( Now trying to sit in silence and face all kinds of thoughts and discomfort that is rising in me instead of listening to something…

When I sit and listen to myself plenty of things emerge…all those which I have not been listening to..hence do not feel like writing in the diary…many issues that I avoid thinking about and hide from myself may emerge and trouble me....

The bitter truths that I need to face 1 : 

I have a reading addiction .I often read to run away from my thoughts.Even on occasions when I sit with my thoughts,it ends in me going and gobbling up something or splurging on unwanted stuff online or offline !

My listening to the audiobook aloud in the morning working hours ( and writing this ) is also an addiction and reluctance to face my feelings of discomfort about the work situation/restlessness/boredom ?

Bitter truth 2 : 

I lack Loving kindness , I lack ability to handle stress. I was under stress yesterday and therefore instead of helping an incidental caller yesterday,I took out my frustration on her. I feel bad.

Bitter truth 3 : Also the reluctance /negative feelings/discomfort while speaking to some close family members is due to the discomfort that I possibly lack the love that I should have and the fear that  I will possibly receive this same treatment from my family in future ?

Bitter truth 4 : I am scared of confrontations, arguments,saying the wrong thing ,being rude,losing my face,not being able to cope with situations.. also of not being enough , of being lonely …

Just now realized that the midmorning snack that I have everyday is also probably a mechanism to cope up with /run away from my thoughts..

How will I get any ideas( creative ) if I don't spend any time with myself doing nothing ?

Some more things that I learned from other books which are connected to these thoughts....

Dopamine is the molecule of the future..it generates anticipation and makes you work to achieve things. But once you achieve those things the other chemicals in the brain ( serotonin epinephrine etc..called as Here and now molecules ) take over. To be happy in life we need to.achieve balance of both. How do we do that ?

1. Concentrate fully on whatever you are doing right now. Be present.

2. Achieve mastery on something..work or hobby. That will give you a feeling of control.

3. Pursue a creative hobby. Using brain and hand coordination. 

4. Never multitask.  

5. Concept of deep work : Working uninterrupted without using internet browsing or  social media is necessary for working better and being better at personal, family and inner life.

Down the memory lane - Taxi driver 1954

Taxi driver 1954

This film was apparently shot in 30 days without much budget.It was a Navketan film,all the three brothers and their wives and fiancees were involved.The beautiful,then empty & spacious city of Bombay played an important role in the movie.. 

The so called vamp without any evil acts was the one who wore (comparatively more ) plunging necklines and danced and sang in a nightclub , racy but melodious and meaningful numbers. The nightclub definitely had a before and after moment, before it was a dingy,shady place populated by goons,poor gamblers and taxi drivers. After its owner wins the lottery,it is made a more sophisticated place.  The opening song ‘Dil se milake dil pyar kijiye’ is the most melodious of all the cabaret songs. (I wonder why SDB used different voices for both the ladies ,Sheila Ramani & Kalpana.) The second song is actually meant to break the fight between two groups, hero and some goons. ‘Jeene do aur jiyo…’ she tells both. ‘Dil jale to jale’ is another wonderful song,depicting the anguish of both Hero ( heroine has left him) and the vamp( Hero is not interested in her).

The story is unremarkable, though it was one of the first noir films,showing the underground mafia and their involvement with the film world. Girl comes from a village to sing for a music director, can not find him in the huge Bombay city and ends up meeting our hero, called Hero by his friends. Hero rescues her from some goons who stay in the movie and perform various other nefarious acts like bank robbery,car theft etc.She stays in his house ,till she suddenly feels she is coming in way of his romance with the nightclub dancer.( That premise was really thin.) This is followed by a bank robbery by some goons using the hero's car( I expected the hero to be framed for that) , the hero's friend finding the heroine and then the hero delivers her to her true destination ,the music director. She is instantly liked,accepted there and supposedly gets an opportunity to sing in a movie ( song here is implied,not shown). The plot suddenly ,a little disconnectedly jumps back to the nightclub as our good soul Mala( the heroine) recommends the vamp's name for some racy numbers in the same film. The final climactic action sequence is flimsy, though there were some good moments . The night shots in BW films had these problems frequently ,you can not see what is happening till somebody decides to smoke and use a lighter or a matchstick.

When they meet each other after a brief parting, the scene that follows is one of the most romantic (and even bold) scenes from the fifties. Hero hugs her very tightly in the small space of the cab ,says 'why did you go away ?'and she smiles with joy.

The comic scenes are not very funny ,in fact the way in which Hero chops of Mala's hair is very cruel. The poor girl is crying and still doesn't blame him and he callously hushes her.This is followed by Hero teaching Mala smoking,swagger and foul language of the drivers and cleaners of Bombay.This also involved sudden appearance and disappearance of Hero’s sister in law.

The hero with a hairy chest and a wristwatch ( however poor he is) on a hairy wrist is strangely manly. ( Dev was never a manly action hero, though there was at least one action sequence in most of his films.) However poor, he will wear a necktie in at least one scene. Most of the films, he was very nattily dressed in full shirt, coat, suit, tie. We never see a shirtless hero with his six packs in any old films,in fact the hero's conspicuously non muscular arms were a norm ,if he happened to wear a half shirt or a Tee.

‘Jaye to jaye kahan’ is one of the most melodious pairs of songs. I always thought the Talat version was primary(  comes first in the movie) but this is the song where Mala showcases her talent for the music director and at the same time expresses her anguish that she will not be with Hero after this. Beautiful, haunting , soulful and meaningful words and melody ! The Talat version has entirely different lyrics with the same tune and is equally haunting and soulful. The only shortcoming was their expressions. Not too strong in the emotive expression department, these two !

There is also a scene where a drunk Hero comes home to sweet, simple,innocent Mala, holds her roughly and also holds her by her hair but she refuses to see anything but goodness in him. However,the next day she understands that all that was wrong and she is sulking. So this is followed by  a roothna manana type of song( dekho maane nahi) … not very famous , mostly forgettable , but cute. Picturised in a ferry off the Gateway of India , both of them look cute together ,her smiling shyly at him and he feeding her something ,when she is just beginning to lipsync an aalap .. she manages to avoid that thing, probably an orange, till the alap is finished. Looks like there were not many retakes and cuts.

These two keep on calling each other Funtoosh endearingly. Not sure what they mean by that, Funtoosh sounds like somebody with a devil may care attitude. But their behaviour is hardly that.

I wanted to see the film where Dev married Mona. I wanted to see if I could spot a sort of before and after. But I couldn't.The film was okay, though it had its moments.Songs were beautiful...