Lata

I will always think of you as Lata and not as Lataji or Lata didi as I call you in public. I never call God or my mother by any honorific , so why would I do that to you ?...you are that close to my heart. You are and you always will be. 

I tell myself that 92 is a good age to pass away and Lata has given her best to the world , the best and not so best to in later years , but that statement doesn't reach from my brain to my heart , It doesn't stop the flow of tears that started the moment I heard the news. The world without Lata in it will not be the same.

It would not be an exaggeration if I say that I have lived my life through Lata's songs. There was a time in school where I did not know many songs and to discover an unheard song of Lata would be like discovering a treasure. This was before youtube and internet days. I would read periodicals where there would be articles on Hindi film music , write down the lists of songs and then give them to a shop which would make cassettes as per order. And there would be radio programmes on Vividh Bharti . My cassettes were my treasure which unfortunately started becoming outdated during the late nineties . But then I discovered pirated mp3s which were for sale for Rs.20 each outside railway stations. I discovered so many old songs through those mp3s ! Mp3s didn't stay with us even for a decade when the internet revolutionized the world of entertainment and music. Now everything is available at your fingertip.

As I started singing ,I started to understand more about Lata's songs. How much effort I need to take a murki and she does it so easily... How she glides through high notes where it feels like I will die with sheer effort….How she sings without taking breaths and I struggle….The softness and the various expressions she brings in her singing without batting an eyelid...and I can not even achieve 1% of it… That is talent by God's grace and her monumental riyaaz too. Lata is Lata ( always present tense ,her music will be with me forever.) .There will never be anyone like her ever .

Dopamine Nation

DOPAMINE NATION : My takeaway !

Each book teaches me something. Sometimes directly , sometimes indirectly. The books that I read do not act on a blank slate..my mind has several years of ( & several  books)  worth thoughts. I do not always know where one stream of thought ends and another begins. Even this writeup has lots of sprinkling of thoughts from other books that I have read before, plus some other books that the editing Maya has read after this book. 

Truth :  Pleasure & pain balance - Body craves for equilibrium.Any pleasure ( dopamine high) will be followed by equal dopamine low( depressed feeling) so that body can attain equilibrium.

That means when I thought I was depressed I was really suffering from.a dopamine low. That's happy news !! 

Truth : We have made our lives easy by inventing gadgets ,but we don't know what to do with the free time they create for us.We use that time to indulge in easy passive, pleasure generating activities ( surfing ,socials , binge watching ,easy reading) which give us easy dopamine high,which ultimately leads to a dopamine dip,sadness,depression,low feeling.

NOW I UNDERSTAND THE BHAGAVAD GITA SAYING :  Neither very happy in good times nor too sad in bad times. Equanimity ! Or the Buddha Way : The middle way ..

Also remembered one marathi book which said tears are necessary,they increase the sweetness of happy experiences…just like how most sweets need a pinch of salt..juxtaposition of good n bad , happy n sad is necessary to experience the true taste of life ! 

An interesting thought is that addicts are modern day prophets who show us what we all can be(how bad ).. And also what we can achieve if we just take effort and receive timely guidance , there is always hope and redemption if we put in the effort …

Truth : It is uncomfortable to stay with our thoughts,so we try to fill all our time with activities…

Like I continuously play some music or video in the background which decreases my efficiency but gets me out of thinking about my loneliness ,negative feelings , workplace issues ,my shortcomings, mistakes and what I should be actually doing. We must learn to stay with our discomfort.Discomforting thoughts could be things under control where some action can be taken. Or they can be feelings which need to be experienced… like boredom,grief,sadness. Or they can be just anxiety or fear thoughts which do not serve any purpose and these are outside our control zone but we still need to notice and identify them.

Instead , spend time with your thoughts.Become familiar with yourself.All the devices and distractions to avoid oneself contribute to depression.Allow yourself to get bored. Boring is also terrifying,it forces us to consider bigger questions of meaning and purpose.It leads to discovery and invention, a space to new thoughts without which we are constantly reacting to stimuli around us.

Difficult choices now ,easy life later and vice versa.

Truth : It is never like we imagine,neither the pleasure nor the pain..it is always less..Anticipation is more intense than actual thing.

Truth : The reason we are miserable is because we are working so hard to avoid being miserable.

We want rewards too easily without working for it.

Why do we need to be happy or pleased all the time ? Iisn't that unrealistic ? Why not accept your true nature ? It is totally fine not to be on cloud 9 all the time. (May be when I sit with my thoughts in silence, I will realize this. I wouldn’t suffocate my true nature. I would learn to make peace with slightly low feelings instead of fueling my addiction induced dopamine spikes and then crashing down into low feelings.)

We have over-sanitized life for kids and us too.Too much smoothening of obstacles and needing low efforts to get anything.

 Some degree of pain is healthy.. expectations of a pain-free world has caused addictions.There is a cost to wishing away every type of pain and discomfort.

We constantly run away from the pain , the present moment, we get distracted deliberately.

Pain : Cold water showers ? Exposure to pain to reset the balance/enhance the pleasure ? Intermittent fasting ?

We need to separate wants from needs.

Why do we want to own so many things ? Why do we want to have so many kinds of varied experiences ? Why do we need to do so many things( - hobbies )? Why can't we just limit ourselves to one great hobby which we love , one thing to learn , fewer books to read ,fewer /no shows to watch, fewer choices( clothes, cosmetics, jewelry, food ) in  anything that we own ? Why is there FOMO ? What are we afraid of ? Missing any of these varieties isn't going to kill us. We are now slaves to the variety. Why do we need so much variety in every kind of thing and experience? 

DOPAMINE :

D- data about your addiction-details

O - objectives ..why do u use the substance

P-Problems

A-absteinance form the use-4 weeks recommended for dopamine pathway reset.Withdrawal symptoms for first 2 wks.Dangers of cross addiction..not to replace one substance with another

M-mindfulness.During the withdrawal observe yourself.Stop running away from your thoughts and observe them.Live with them,tolerate them and learn.

I-insight about addiction.About your behavioral patterns around the addiction.

N-Next Steps,goals.You may learn to use it better

E-Experiment.Pleasure Pain Balance,

Abstinence from reading /socials involves just being with yourself. The idea may appeal theoretically but it is difficult to put into practise.It is scary even for a solitude loving person like myself to sit still doing nothing. Today I am at the still-in-the-process-of-making new laboratory and I find it difficult. I have been looking forward to it since morning. I thought I would sit there ,read academics, write this essay but now I find myself with many uncomfortable thoughts. One of these is  ‘what if anybody says “ why aren’t you working during your working hours.”’

Self binding : keeping a distance between objects of addiction and self,before you start to feel the power.

Willpower is like a muscle…it will develop over time but it gets fatigued if you have to use it more and more..it needs a break to be functional again…hence binding is necessary.

First acknowledge that you are powerless (and also surrender to the higher power).

Barriers: 

Physical - space/distance

Chronological-time

Category

Understanding the process brings your behavior into your awareness,you may still repeat your patterns( and you need to forgive yourself for it) but at least you do not do it unconsciously, and there is a possibility that you will do better next time.

Temptations may be in easy availability - eg Nykaa/Amazon Sales( delete the app ! & If you splurge ,do it deliberately telling yourself I realize that I am giving in to my addiction but doing it anyway,This may help next time.) , chocolates received as gifts ( I gave it away but still ate a few more than I was allowed to as a diabetic)

Also binding may happen incidentally e.g. my beauty parlor moving away.( Though I am not addicted to beauty therapies ,I do use it to numb my negative feelings.)

( Now trying to sit in silence and face all kinds of thoughts and discomfort that is rising in me instead of listening to something…

When I sit and listen to myself plenty of things emerge…all those which I have not been listening to..hence do not feel like writing in the diary…many issues that I avoid thinking about and hide from myself may emerge and trouble me....

The bitter truths that I need to face 1 : 

I have a reading addiction .I often read to run away from my thoughts.Even on occasions when I sit with my thoughts,it ends in me going and gobbling up something or splurging on unwanted stuff online or offline !

My listening to the audiobook aloud in the morning working hours ( and writing this ) is also an addiction and reluctance to face my feelings of discomfort about the work situation/restlessness/boredom ?

Bitter truth 2 : 

I lack Loving kindness , I lack ability to handle stress. I was under stress yesterday and therefore instead of helping an incidental caller yesterday,I took out my frustration on her. I feel bad.

Bitter truth 3 : Also the reluctance /negative feelings/discomfort while speaking to some close family members is due to the discomfort that I possibly lack the love that I should have and the fear that  I will possibly receive this same treatment from my family in future ?

Bitter truth 4 : I am scared of confrontations, arguments,saying the wrong thing ,being rude,losing my face,not being able to cope with situations.. also of not being enough , of being lonely …

Just now realized that the midmorning snack that I have everyday is also probably a mechanism to cope up with /run away from my thoughts..

How will I get any ideas( creative ) if I don't spend any time with myself doing nothing ?

Some more things that I learned from other books which are connected to these thoughts....

Dopamine is the molecule of the future..it generates anticipation and makes you work to achieve things. But once you achieve those things the other chemicals in the brain ( serotonin epinephrine etc..called as Here and now molecules ) take over. To be happy in life we need to.achieve balance of both. How do we do that ?

1. Concentrate fully on whatever you are doing right now. Be present.

2. Achieve mastery on something..work or hobby. That will give you a feeling of control.

3. Pursue a creative hobby. Using brain and hand coordination. 

4. Never multitask.  

5. Concept of deep work : Working uninterrupted without using internet browsing or  social media is necessary for working better and being better at personal, family and inner life.

Down the memory lane - Taxi driver 1954

Taxi driver 1954

This film was apparently shot in 30 days without much budget.It was a Navketan film,all the three brothers and their wives and fiancees were involved.The beautiful,then empty & spacious city of Bombay played an important role in the movie.. 

The so called vamp without any evil acts was the one who wore (comparatively more ) plunging necklines and danced and sang in a nightclub , racy but melodious and meaningful numbers. The nightclub definitely had a before and after moment, before it was a dingy,shady place populated by goons,poor gamblers and taxi drivers. After its owner wins the lottery,it is made a more sophisticated place.  The opening song ‘Dil se milake dil pyar kijiye’ is the most melodious of all the cabaret songs. (I wonder why SDB used different voices for both the ladies ,Sheila Ramani & Kalpana.) The second song is actually meant to break the fight between two groups, hero and some goons. ‘Jeene do aur jiyo…’ she tells both. ‘Dil jale to jale’ is another wonderful song,depicting the anguish of both Hero ( heroine has left him) and the vamp( Hero is not interested in her).

The story is unremarkable, though it was one of the first noir films,showing the underground mafia and their involvement with the film world. Girl comes from a village to sing for a music director, can not find him in the huge Bombay city and ends up meeting our hero, called Hero by his friends. Hero rescues her from some goons who stay in the movie and perform various other nefarious acts like bank robbery,car theft etc.She stays in his house ,till she suddenly feels she is coming in way of his romance with the nightclub dancer.( That premise was really thin.) This is followed by a bank robbery by some goons using the hero's car( I expected the hero to be framed for that) , the hero's friend finding the heroine and then the hero delivers her to her true destination ,the music director. She is instantly liked,accepted there and supposedly gets an opportunity to sing in a movie ( song here is implied,not shown). The plot suddenly ,a little disconnectedly jumps back to the nightclub as our good soul Mala( the heroine) recommends the vamp's name for some racy numbers in the same film. The final climactic action sequence is flimsy, though there were some good moments . The night shots in BW films had these problems frequently ,you can not see what is happening till somebody decides to smoke and use a lighter or a matchstick.

When they meet each other after a brief parting, the scene that follows is one of the most romantic (and even bold) scenes from the fifties. Hero hugs her very tightly in the small space of the cab ,says 'why did you go away ?'and she smiles with joy.

The comic scenes are not very funny ,in fact the way in which Hero chops of Mala's hair is very cruel. The poor girl is crying and still doesn't blame him and he callously hushes her.This is followed by Hero teaching Mala smoking,swagger and foul language of the drivers and cleaners of Bombay.This also involved sudden appearance and disappearance of Hero’s sister in law.

The hero with a hairy chest and a wristwatch ( however poor he is) on a hairy wrist is strangely manly. ( Dev was never a manly action hero, though there was at least one action sequence in most of his films.) However poor, he will wear a necktie in at least one scene. Most of the films, he was very nattily dressed in full shirt, coat, suit, tie. We never see a shirtless hero with his six packs in any old films,in fact the hero's conspicuously non muscular arms were a norm ,if he happened to wear a half shirt or a Tee.

‘Jaye to jaye kahan’ is one of the most melodious pairs of songs. I always thought the Talat version was primary(  comes first in the movie) but this is the song where Mala showcases her talent for the music director and at the same time expresses her anguish that she will not be with Hero after this. Beautiful, haunting , soulful and meaningful words and melody ! The Talat version has entirely different lyrics with the same tune and is equally haunting and soulful. The only shortcoming was their expressions. Not too strong in the emotive expression department, these two !

There is also a scene where a drunk Hero comes home to sweet, simple,innocent Mala, holds her roughly and also holds her by her hair but she refuses to see anything but goodness in him. However,the next day she understands that all that was wrong and she is sulking. So this is followed by  a roothna manana type of song( dekho maane nahi) … not very famous , mostly forgettable , but cute. Picturised in a ferry off the Gateway of India , both of them look cute together ,her smiling shyly at him and he feeding her something ,when she is just beginning to lipsync an aalap .. she manages to avoid that thing, probably an orange, till the alap is finished. Looks like there were not many retakes and cuts.

These two keep on calling each other Funtoosh endearingly. Not sure what they mean by that, Funtoosh sounds like somebody with a devil may care attitude. But their behaviour is hardly that.

I wanted to see the film where Dev married Mona. I wanted to see if I could spot a sort of before and after. But I couldn't.The film was okay, though it had its moments.Songs were beautiful...

This is going to hurt by Adam Kay

As a rule , I don't like books about medicine. I never read them. No Robin Cook , no Atul Gawande. I was not going to read this book as well. I knew everybody was saying a lot of good things about this one on book tube. Still I didn't want to read it. But then this book was available at a low price on Amazon sale. And I bought it.

I was in a bit of a book slump yesterday. I couldn't think of a book to read. I tried many books of different genres. But nothing was clicking. This was my last try before I decided to give up for the day and went to bed. Luckily it clicked.

Adam Kay is now a comedian. But in his previous avatar, he was a doctor in NHS. This book is about his experience of working as a junior doctor in NHS.

As I started reading this book, I realised the similarities between lives of doctors across the world. The decision to be a doctor is taken at the age of 16(In India ,you start preparing for your entrance examination, sometimes much earlier than that), when you are hardly adult enough to make decisions about your own life. The decision is taken more often than not for wrong reasons, not realizing the long years of training, hard work or hardships involved. (I remember telling someone that I want  to become a cardiac surgeon, not realizing that first I have to become a MBBS doctor, then specialize and then super specialise in cardiac surgery.12 years minimum. Impossible to visualise at that age. Thankfully, by the time,I took up medicine, this dream had evaporated.) Most of us do not have a clear picture of what we would do after we finish our education.

The MBBS years are comparatively easy, they just involve a lot of hard work in form reading and memorizing. You don't make decisions about somebody's life.But when you decide to do a specialisation in a clinical branch, the real challenge starts. The long work hours, lack of sleep, pathetic salaries, even worse food & accommodation, facing wrath of patients, delivering difficult diagnoses and bad news…..Only tough minded people survive in this field. Our major problem is that this is a one way street, after spending 12 long years in acquiring this education, you have no energy to start all over again. You are stuck here for better or worse.

I finished the book inbonebday. It is written very well,  I laughed aloud at many places. But I hurried through last few pages. Hurried even through the last chapter of the narrative… didn’t want to experience his pain…

He has left medicine for good now. It is sad in a way, all these years of hard work came to nothing. His story reminded me of a friend of mine, who was also a gynaec and left that branch for good, after a similar episode (less severe in implications but as traumatising as this one).

Should I think of his as a weak minded person who could not digest his mistake or a strong minded person who dared to change his profession after putting in so much efforts ? If this ( loss of a baby and the fact that the patient would never be a mother after this) event would have happened after 10 years of practice, would his decision remain the same ? The sad thing was that he put up through years of hard work,low pay, zero social life for a profession he genuinely loved and gave it up after one heartbreaking incident.

I know that I have not suffered severely in my 19 years of practice. I have faced lot of frustrations though, chiefly about the money and corporate politics. There are days ,when I think , that it is enough ,and I should retire, at the (tender)age of 46. But I do not. I know I love my job and I do it well.

But who am I to judge him so ? I have not walked in his shoes , have not suffered his pain. It is easy for me to pass judgement on somebody . May be I would have done a similar thing too…

The important thing is that he is happy now and he has written a good book which I liked...

Himself by Jess Kidd

Okay, I have finished the book ‘Himself ‘ and I am disappointed. I had very high expectations because the other book by Jess Kidd( The horder) was excellent. But I felt that, this book had lot of beating around the bush and pointless supernatural activity.

Let me begin at the beginning :  Mahoney is an orphan. At the age of 26 ,he recieves an envelope that has photograph of his mother and a cryptic note informing him about his name,his place of birth and a veiled directive to find out more about his mammie. He arrives in the village to find that he has once again started seeing dead people, as he used to,many years back,in orphanage.

With the help of old,eccentric but sharp Mrs.Cauley,he decides to unravel the mystery of his mother.

So,why didnt I like this book ? Well, firstly, I felt cheated. I felt that a lot of answers were not provided for eg the killer’s motive. Secondly, there was a false alarm regarding the climax,where I waited with pounding heart for something to happen and it didn’t. So all that heart attack tension was wasted.Thirdly, the ghosts were not utilised properly. Fourth, there were some unnecessary threads of adultery amongst other things. Also, I didn’t like the form of narrative,I would have liked the entire solution at the end, not the shadowy figures committing murders in the first chapter.( I know ,this one is my personal preference but still … when I am listing grievances, I can list all.) My biggest problem was ,I didn't have a sense of completion at the end,when you get all the answers and even if you don’t ,there are at least hints about whys and hows. Some characters were not developed at all.I agree,that they were shadowy characters and probably they were meant to be like that , but I still felt cheated. Another problem was unnecessary delays due to descriptions, in getting to the point where something is happening. This is acceptable in literary fiction but not in a mystery. A mystery can be literary and slow moving but then ,when it is time for palpitations ,it should stay true to its form.

So,on the whole, not a great book. I still gave it 3 stars for the central idea of the plot but it was a probably a mismatch in expectations and reality on my part.

Ghostwritten

 These days, I am reading , finishing and enjoying many books ,that I have bought over last few years. I am also getting rid of books, that I don’t intend to read again. I can say that ,my reading is going rather well.....

I have read some very good books,but I find that, if I don’t write about them during my reading, the thoughts on the book simply evaporate , when I start the next book. Hence this series. Hopefully it will be a series.

Yesterday, I started ‘Ghostwritten ‘,by David Mitchell. I have heard a lot of good things about it , especially on book-tube. One of the book-tubers positively raved about it. But I have never liked the books that she loves. I find them too difficult to understand, too much literary and too less a story.

So,I don't expect to like this book very much. Or finish the book even.

David Mitchell is a genre defying author. His novels are supposedly beautiful and unique . It is recommended that you read David Mitchell books in the order that they are published. That is because his characters jump across his novels. Probably the space he provides for them in one book is not sufficient for them , they have to say a lot more than that was allowed in that particular book.

As a part of my research , I also listened to two videos on David Mitchell. One was an author spotlight video done by the booktuber mentioned in first paragraph . The other was interview of DM. Loved the way he spoke about his books.

I will say this- The first chapter of this book surprised me. It was easy to read and went really fast. Not at all what I expected. I still don't know where the book is going but that is expected.

This is a novel in 9 parts , each of the part is like a novella. The last chapter will bring all the narratives together.(supposedly)

The first story is narrated by a crackpot, a sort of Japanese jihadi , who is responsible for a terrorist attack in the underground tube. He runs away and hides while the terrorist organization has started crumbling. The first chapter ends without really ending. Though the chapter ended , the story continued , just beyond our vision. There was no conclusion.Just like our life.

The second story seems to be about a record seller, though I am not sure whether it’s a male or female. The reason I keep on going through the novel which isn’t making any sense , is the curiosity about how author is going to link all these together.

And yes , it is well written and not too literary for my taste ,( Literary meaning 40 pages full of descriptions of a man walking on the road.), There are things happening ,albeit very very slowly and there are dialogues , which always makes novels easy to read.

This makes me hope that I might like to read his other books one day,my library has a beautiful hardcover edition ‘Thousand autumns of Jacob de Zoet’. It is not only beautiful but also a big,fat one and it appears to be my favourite genre of historical fiction.

But first , I have to finish this one. And like it.

Past and present

Can you really separate the two ? This moment, right now , is turning from present to past. This sentence that I am writing now , has been written and pushed into the past…

Past is the sum total of all the moments lived till now. It is memories,experiences and choices , it is your education,attitude and character. You can not totally ignore and forget it , you are creating it constantly….unless your memory is totally wiped out and then instead of feeling happy ,you will feel unanchored ,loose ,drifting…

Nothing is black or white , good or bad in this world. Past can be good too , if used judiciously. It can be limiting, constricting or can be motivating. That depends on you , your attitude. You need to accept it,learn from it and move ahead. Take only good from past, memories and lessons and start walking to your future.

Happy memories can give you comfort,solace,support. But do not dwell too much there, life to be lived is ahead of you. That failure in the past, can make you run away from a similar situation or can challenge you to try out a new method, to tackle the situation. A memory of how you could do it in the past, in spite of all hurdles, can motivate you or can lull you into a false sense of security.

Live in the now is the right way, agreed, but it is very difficult for us ordinary people. Move ahead, using past as a stepping stone.

Past failures need not restrict you, mistakes need not daunt you, repeated failures need not break you. You can learn to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Remember,when you reach the bottom, there is only one way, upwards.